It’s been an exciting few weeks in politics, and much of that excitement has been fuelled by a radical cleric recently featured heavily in the news, famous for his anti-American diatribes. Jeremiah Wright has provided no end of thrills and spills for his former congregant, Barack Obama. From the accusation that the FBI spread AIDS in the African-American community to the assertion that 9/11 was the roosting of our collective national chickens, the Chicago based firebrand put Senator Obama through his paces. Obama has been forced time and again over the past weeks to address this issue, to clarify his position, to draw a distinction between himself and his associate. This strain of political cooties is not contained only to the Left, however. John McCain has his own loudmouthed skeletons rattling away. There’s his Mormon mistrusting Mama, always good for a few laughs. Also providing an unwelcome endorsement to Senator McCain is the ever charming Fred Phelps. Phelps and his followers despise homosexuals and claim every American death is God’s retribution for our great national sins of acceptance and tolerance. Ideology aside, though, it’s clear we in this country are facing a growing problem of Guilt By Association, and it’s not going away.

Think of the time, money and energy devoted by our statesmen and women to managing, spinning, clarifying and finally separating themselves from the opinions and statements of their friends and colleagues. What happens when average Americans are held to this standard? Will you, without the benefit of a dedicated communications squad, be able to deflect the rank smell of your office mate’s racism? How much effort will you spend on making sure that people know that, even though your uncle believes that the Shriners killed JFK, you don’t? How can we draw the line and not be held accountable for the opinions of others?

Coming soon to a computer near you is the solution: The National Opinion and Associates Database. NOAD is a wiki based system that allows anyone to create a database of their professional and personal relationships. The system also provides the Association Sympathy Spectrum. The ASS is a color coded indicator of how much sympathy you share with any given opinion. It runs from a cool, agreeable blue (total agreement, of like minds) on to a slightly tepid puce (are you sure about that, I don’t think that’s right) up to a lurid maroon (I’m not really with him) and culminating with a confrontational red (are you a crazy person??? Lalalalalala I’m not listening I can’t hear you!!!!). This system has applicability beyond the realm of the political. It is a boon for anyone who leads a public life: celebrities, sports figures, pundits, all of these victims of cumbersome associations, who have had to waste their valuable time on making sure everyone knew where they stood. Beyond the public sphere, NOAD and the ASS will provide a clear and easy method for all Americans to maintain their freedom of opinion. A recent MIT study has revealed that constant and conscientious use of the ASS can result in a 36% increase in employee productivity as well as a 42% decrease in work place confrontation. The same study showed a direct correlation between spousal affection and ASS use.

Thomas Paine said that eternal vigilance is the price of freedom. Spider Man knows that with great power comes great responsibility. The NOAD/ASS is child of these two fathers. If used with conscientiousness and diligence, NOAD/ASS will take all Americans forward to that New Frontier where we snap the fetters of accountability. When each American is able to build a fence around their views, only then will we attain the best and loftiest goals of our republic.