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A Friend of Mine Was Arrested...
Posted December 13th, 2007 by Alyssa Royse
A friend of mine was arrested over the weekend, arraigned for third-degree rape and communication with a minor for immoral purposes.
This is not a blog post about whether or not he did this. I have an opinion, which I will not share. This is a post - or maybe just a query - about how I handle this situation.
This is someone who i have considered a friend for many years. Not a super-close friend, but someone i communicate with on a relatively regular basis, always know I can call for any reason, and have generally looked up to and enjoyed. And now he is accused of the very crime that so shaped who I am, that sent me reeling for years. (see this post: http://justcauseit.com/blogs/alyssa-royse/life-a...)
I am surprised to report that I just want to call him. I want to say, "what the hell were you thinking?" "what caused this?" "why did this happen?" "how did we let you slip through the cracks?" "could we have prevented this somehow?" "what do we do so that people stop doing this?" WTF!!!!!!!
As i discussed in my earlier blog post, rape is not about the survivor, it's about the perpetrator. I don't want to make this situation about me, because it isn't, but maybe this is an opportunity to learn something? To ask. To teach? to understand.
I am floored. Stunned. Seriously. I didn't sleep last night. I wonder if I will ever get to escape my role as a rape survivor? I know the answer is no, and that I am lucky to have the full and happy sex life that I have, the incredible support of so many fabulous friends, the room to explore thoughts, feelings and reactions....
Anyway, this was not intelligent, but I have a question for all of you, and I genuinely want an answer....
What would you do? As a rape survivor and an activist and a woman and a lover and a thinker and a change agent.....
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All rape is bad, but not all rapes are the same
First, Alyssa, congratulations to you for surviving and thriving despite your attack.
I mean to take nothing from you or your experience, but I must say that you situation is entirely different from that of the young woman who was raped by (the accused) Ben Keylin of Mercer Island, WA.
Newspaper reports include these facts:
1) The young woman was known by Mr. Keylin for several years. She is the daughter of a (now former, I expect) friend.
2) The young woman suffers from a type of autism, which is, according to one source, "a developmental disability significantly affecting verbal and non-verbal communication and social interaction. In other words, an easy victim.
3) He is 57, she is 18.
4) Mr. Keylin also is accused of molesting the 18-year-old woman's 16-year-old sister.
5) According to the Seattle P-I, "King County prosecutors say he was charged with third-degree rape in 1991 but pleaded guilty to fourth-degree assault -- a gross misdemeanor."
6) In case anyone still wonders whether he really did these things, the Bellevue Police Department wiretapped his telephone and got what sounds like a confession.
No matter how you look at this case, it's horrible. Mr. Keylin appeared to be a pillar of the community but turned out to be a depraved slimeball of the lowest order.
When I read that "rape is a crime of violence," I shake my head and wonder about situations like this where a trusted, older adult takes advantage of a younger or disabled or unconfident or fragile person. I wonder about other slimeballs who use date-rape drugs to lower the natural defenses of those they would abuse.
Count yourself among many, Alyssa, who were tricked by Ben Keylin into believing that he was one of the good guys.
It's always a special circumstance...
You are absolutely right, of course. Each case of rape is it's own special case of abuse, violence, distrust, and no one "type" is better or worse than the others. We are all undermined in different ways by the attacks that are perpetrated against us.
What's important to me about this case is that it serve as a reminder - or giant flashing red light - to all of us that the majority of sexual violence is perpetrated by people who are close to the victim. Unfortunately, this scenario is pretty common.
Your "head shaking" about my assertion that "rape is a crime of violence" may be a semantic one, different definitions. I see a violent act as any act that causes one to put up their defenses, that tries to achieve power by making someone else powerless. Sometimes it is a punch to the face, but more often violence is more subtle - language that hurts, relationships that hinder, things that generally undermine and destroy someones ability to function and grow.
This case sickens me. Angers me. Offends me. Horrifies me. As a professional, I'm trying very hard not to express an opinion as to whether or not I believe Ben Keylin did this. I do have an opinion, but I will keep it to myself, (largely because i do not wish to be sued.)
But i do want to scream from the mountain tops that this stuff happens every single day. And it is usually done by people who others trust, like and invite into their lives.
I don't know how to stop it. But I do believe that by talking about it, by teaching our kids when and how to say NO, and by saying that, as a society, we see this for the vile and violent force that it is and not tolerating it, we can at least get started.
Lastly, we need to remember who the bad guys are in these situations. Blame lies ONLY at the feet of the perpetrator. Not his family, not his friends, not the victim or the victims friends and family. It is the perpetrator who does this. Whatever we as a society do to passively accept it is our problem and we need to stop. But we need to realize that while - at least in this case - there is only one perpetrator, there are lots of victims. First and foremost, the girls to whom this was done. But there are lots of other people suffering, and we all need to heal together.
I'd love to create a public town-hall style discussion about this stuff. How we survive, thrive and end this once and for all..
Thanks for chiming in. Your points are right on and well-taken.
How to confront the situation re: your friend
I'm going to go out on a limb when I say that this friend of yours was more than a few years older than the minor (while some state laws take none of present-day teenage sexuality into account, they fall into a tiny minority).
Confronting him is not about you - it is about HIS behaviour and his "misundertanding" of the situation. Unless this minor looked and acted 10 years her senior and/or provided fake ID, ignorance is not an excuse. So call him, ask him why he screwed up this badly.
If he was a friend, he deserves (and is obligated to) your two cents. Question is, if he repents, can you forgive him as his friend? And if he doesn't care to repent, what actions can you and are you willing to take?
A rape survivor and pioneer, (as my friend had labelled me, and I think it aptly describes you as well), you cannot and should not escape this role. You may not have to be an active crusader, but be proud that you've come out as strong, if not stronger, than you once were.
Best of luck, Alyssa.
-K